Should I RSVP
my regrets?
“Sorry, I can’t make it
to the world party”
Too many things
I don’t want to see
to believe
Too many faces
I don’t want to show
to deceive
So you can’t see me
though I’m right here
hiding
in plain sight
A house of mirrors
Stars in the city lights
spinning
for no one
but the moon
(December 29, 2008)
I decided to go through Fallen Leaves today to see what I’ve been doing with the last 6 months of my life. I just found another poem that I’d missed before. More may be on the way as well. Stay tuned! :P
the waiting is miserable
that’s what I get for being such a fool
but oh, if you only knew
how often I’ve thought of you
the pain I’ve gone through
replaying those scenes
over and over in my mind
that valentine’s
you came to my work
with candy and card in hand
I still didn’t fucking understand
or that time at your place
I was in no shape
to drive
you could’ve made a move
that night
but you were never that type
like
at the hotel
after the Phish show
just you
and me on ecstacy
in one bed
if you had just touched me
I couldn’t have said no
but you cared too much for me
why
I’ll never know
and my last memory
of you
in your car
when I spilled my Dew
I guess you took it as a sign
so you took me home
for the last time
and I’ve been missing you
since that night
Actually, I think it might be the not sleeping. But sometimes I get really inspired from sleep deprivation. Guess this just isn’t one of those times. Hopefully something will come tomorrow. I certainly have enough on my mind.
My mind is stuck on the same track
it always leads to you
and wondering
what you’re doing
but not tonight
because I know
you went to the Melvins show
not my thing
not anymore anyway
still
I wish it was me
who went with you
who lays next to you
right now
but it’s her
and I’m here
with my cat
and my sad music
and my fucking laptop
and the sky has stopped crying
but I’ve only just begun
rope tightens around my throat
knots up in my stomach
suddenly I’m all too aware of the heart
beating in my chest
or pounding, really
thud thud thud
like a jealous man
at the door of his wife’s lover
determined to break it down
bust through
and fuck some shit up
but all it can hurt is itself
still, it keeps banging
the rope keeps tightening
until I’m left breathless
weak
feeling sick
like the day I woke up and realized
I’ve done myself more harm than good
do more drugs than I should
haven’t accomplished as much as I could
and if I were able
to go back in time
I would
say yes
to you
(April 10, 2009)
such a silly girl
to pine away like you do
for men who are happy
happy
because of women
who are not you
you
who don’t know how
to make someone happy
not even yourself
oh, you can fake it
for a little while
but the mask falls off
always
your darkness
brought into the light
and they
either run away
leaving you
naked and alone
or they bring
their own darkness
out to play
turning your world
pitch black
proving two negatives
don’t always make a positive
sometimes
they just make a mess
shattered glass
piles of ash
and words
thrown at one another
like fucking grenades
(April 3, 2009)
Side note: I just noticed the date on this one was my ex’s birthday…the one who I’m referring to in the last stanza. Which I guess explains why he showed up in a poem that didn’t start off being about him at all. But that’s cool…I actually like the way this one turned out.
I heard your name again today
it still has the power
to make my heart sink
lump in my throat
making it hard to breathe
you’ve been back here, it seems
recently
but not for me
apparently
because you’re gone
back to Oregon
and I didn’t even get the chance
to say goodbye
for the second time
(February 8, 2009)
naked limbs
extending
attempting
to tap the glass
the sun is up
but i am not
for i’ve found peace
at last
too many people
running about
pretending
to be free
they race the clocks
and chase the stocks
for time is money
you see
well i’ve never cared
for either one
don’t want more
than i need
so i decline
to join the flock
and live a life of greed
(January 8, 2009)
So after I finished pasting my old shit into this blog, I was surprised to see I’d written so little in the last 6 months. Then I just came across a notebook with some poems in it - some I’ve even posted on Fallen Leaves. But when I go through my archive, they don’t come up. Did you realize that thing doesn’t always show all your posts? WTF?! It doesn’t even show my reblogs from DRA (you know, the morning he spent reblogging my time paradox. sigh…). WTF?!?! Does that just mean I post too damn much for the archive to handle? Maybe it’s time to go through and delete some stuff.
Anyway, I’m now searching my blog for these poems, which will now be out of order. Damnit! I have a thing about chronology! One of these days I’ll probably end up going through and fixing the order. But for now, I’m just gonna post them. And wonder how many more are missing that I just wrote here and never wrote down on paper…because I do that too. So basically, this blog might still be incomplete…
