May 2009
23 posts
a refusal of life
Should I RSVP
my regrets?
“Sorry, I can’t make it
to the world party”
Too many things
I don’t want to see
to believe
Too many faces
I don’t want to show
to deceive
So you can’t see me
though I’m right here
hiding
in plain sight
A house of mirrors
Stars in the city lights
spinning
for no one
but the moon
(December 29, 2008)
More Old Shit
I decided to go through Fallen Leaves today to see what I’ve been doing with the last 6 months of my life. I just found another poem that I’d missed before. More may be on the way as well. Stay tuned! :P
waiting...
the waiting is miserable
that’s what I get for being such a fool
but oh, if you only knew
how often I’ve thought of you
the pain I’ve gone through
replaying those scenes
over and over in my mind
that valentine’s
you came to my work
with candy and card in hand
I still didn’t fucking understand
or that time at your place
I was in no shape
to drive
you...
Tumblarity Causes Writer's Block
Actually, I think it might be the not sleeping. But sometimes I get really inspired from sleep deprivation. Guess this just isn’t one of those times. Hopefully something will come tomorrow. I certainly have enough on my mind.
One Track
My mind is stuck on the same track
it always leads to you
and wondering
what you’re doing
but not tonight
because I know
you went to the Melvins show
not my thing
not anymore anyway
still
I wish it was me
who went with you
who lays next to you
right now
but it’s her
and I’m here
with my cat
and my sad music
and my fucking laptop
and the sky has stopped crying
...
rope tightens around my throat
knots up in my stomach
suddenly I’m all too aware of the heart
beating in my chest
or pounding, really
thud thud thud
like a jealous man
at the door of his wife’s lover
determined to break it down
bust through
and fuck some shit up
but all it can hurt is itself
still, it keeps banging
the rope keeps tightening
until I’m left...
such a silly girl
to pine away like you do
for men who are happy
happy
because of women
who are not you
you
who don’t know how
to make someone happy
not even yourself
oh, you can fake it
for a little while
but the mask falls off
always
your darkness
brought into the light
and they
either run away
leaving you
naked and alone
or they bring
their own darkness
out to play
...
I heard your name again today
it still has the power
to make my heart sink
lump in my throat
making it hard to breathe
you’ve been back here, it seems
recently
but not for me
apparently
because you’re gone
back to Oregon
and I didn’t even get the chance
to say goodbye
for the second time
(February 8, 2009)
simplicity
naked limbs
extending
attempting
to tap the glass
the sun is up
but i am not
for i’ve found peace
at last
too many people
running about
pretending
to be free
they race the clocks
and chase the stocks
for time is money
you see
well i’ve never cared
for either one
don’t want more
than i need
so i decline
to join the flock
and live a life of greed
(January 8, 2009)
Uh...
So after I finished pasting my old shit into this blog, I was surprised to see I’d written so little in the last 6 months. Then I just came across a notebook with some poems in it - some I’ve even posted on Fallen Leaves. But when I go through my archive, they don’t come up. Did you realize that thing doesn’t always show all your posts? WTF?! It doesn’t even show my...
I laid awake
until the alarm
forced open my eyes
somehow still dry
though I expect a flood
is on the way
and I’ll be drowning
for days and days
but on this day
I got up knowing
I had you
to look forward to
with your stories
and your jokes
and the way you can’t walk past me
without a little nudge or a poke
(God I fucking love that)
So I showed up
sleepless
but...
wreckage
it came on strong
but slowly
creeping like ivy
up the once indestructable wall
now crumbling
pieces crashing to the ground
a pile of dust-covered debris
this wreckage
that used to be me
that used to stand tall
that used to be free
now knowing only
how to fall
and how to dream
(May 4, 2009)
So Close
i almost said it today
i could taste the words on my tongue
but i bit down hard
and chewed them up
so i wouldn’t choke
as i swallowed them down
i feel them now
in the pit of my stomach
rewriting themselves
as if
they could be forgotten
as if
i don’t think them
a hundred times a day
as if
they’re not to blame
for this pain
unfelt for so long
a longing
like none i can recall
...
I don’t want to be rich
I don’t want to be famous
I just want to be happy
like I am with you
but I can’t tell you
that part
the part about going weak
when you look at me
the tingles that come
from you being next to me
or how when you touch me
even accidentally
a charge goes through my entire body
and I know
how a lightning rod feels
(April 15, 2009)
Hearts
I’ve never given mine
to someone
who gave me theirs in return
Those I have been given
I’ve crushed
and left there
in a pool of blood and tears
Only to realize later
what I had done
what I have lost
I know now
some of them were worth
taking care of
But no,
I broke them
like some fucking brat
who didn’t get what she wanted
for Christmas
So now I’m alone
my heart is my own
and the...
I want to be the one
who sings you to sleep
and the first thing you see
when you wake from your dreams
I want to wrap my arms around you
when you’re feeling weak
and hold you still
until you feel at peace
I want to make it all better
with one little kiss
When you go away
I want to be what you miss
I want to leave you notes
in random places
with words of love
to fill empty spaces
I...
Apparently my New Years' Resolution was to stop...
But, as with most New Years’ Resolutions, it didn’t last very long.
Thank God…;P
sleep can be
exhausting
for a restless mind
full of hopes
and fears
and longing
and tears
counting them down
one by one
time after time
the minutes
the hours
the days
the years
spent dreaming
of anywhere but here
any time but now
still awake
but dreaming
somehow
(December 28, 2008)
Doodlebug
i left you
right before sanity
left me
ironic coincidence
since you were the crazy one
but don’t flatter yourself
my breakdown had nothing to do with you
you were just the last
in a long line
of bad decisions
next to an even longer line
of chances never taken
out of fear
i take full responsibility
for all of it
even the grand i lent you
i should’ve known
i could kiss that goodbye...
Bookstore Junkie
junkie on a bookstore bathroom floor
looking as dead as her soul
eyes closed
head hung low
spaghetti limbs lay
lifeless
as the linoleum
self-induced semi-coma
that temporary escape
reality will find you
once you finally wake
watching as you drift
from that zone
to this
seemingly knowing only
your own name
possibly unaware
that you even exist
successful in your quest
to forget...
Bamboo Song
the wind beats its song
on the bamboo
playing along
with the raindrops
a private serenade
just for me
the whistle of the train
stops
me in my tracks
i turn my head
for one more look back
life in retrograde
clinging to the past
time to put
one foot
out
in front
of
the other
and keep on
moving
until i find air
i can breathe
and a future
i can see
(December...
fairy dancing in the breeze
berries will soon pop up
around snow covered leaves
you enter my lonely winter dreams
like orion enters the night sky
but i am the hunter
and you like to hide
so i must wait for sleep
that most elusive beast
to bring you back to me
for one more night at least
(December 7, 2008)
Dear John
the wind picks up
fallen leaves
and carries them
down the street
i wonder how many
will reach your old house
where your parents still live
in constant mourning
for a life cut so short
cuts me to the bone
after every summer
passes into fall
down i go
to the place you rest
with the drums
chisled into stone
my the rhythms
you used to beat out
in controlled frenzy
i hope you were...